


When Does It Get Easier?

by bipsycho_earper



Category: Wynonna Earp (TV)
Genre: F/F, I'm Sorry, I'm sorry again, Sad, canon divergent i guess? it takes place before season 4 but after 3x05, did i mention it's sad? because it's sad, hurt/comfort?, kind of happy ending? idk, no one asked for this sadness, trigger warning: suicidal thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-08
Updated: 2020-10-08
Packaged: 2021-03-08 02:47:09
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,560
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26898424
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bipsycho_earper/pseuds/bipsycho_earper
Summary: Waverly leaves Nicole a note, sparking a long overdue conversation.A.K.A. Waverly opens up about her emotions to Nicole.
Relationships: Waverly Earp/Nicole Haught
Comments: 4
Kudos: 69





	When Does It Get Easier?

**Author's Note:**

> Hi, my friends!! It's been a hot second! I dunno if you all will like this one or not, but I felt the need to write it because I've been feeling a little down and out lately. Hopefully you haven't been feeling the same, but if you have, I hope you have the people you need around you.
> 
> This came to my mind a little while ago because I had this one intrusive thought that just kept coming back over and over, so I thought I could write something meaninful with it. Then, it turned into an exploration of the trauma that Waverly's gone through and the emotions she may not show on the surface.
> 
> I don't own these characters and I hope you enjoy. I am always open to feedback. I beta my own work, so any mistakes are entirely my own.
> 
> Edit: the song that sorta inspired this fic (there were so many, but this one felt the most connected to the theme) is 'When Does It Get Easier' by Dave Thomas Junior, if you'd like to give it a listen.

**When Does It Get Easier?**

Waverly's footsteps echoed off the walls of the house as she paced circles around the living room. She didn't recall ever feeling this anxious, though there was that one cheer competition senior year that came close (and that's saying something!). Waverly remembered how she tried and failed to keep herself from throwing up everything she ate for lunch. The pressure of being captain paired with the finality of this final competition was overwhelming enough (the idea of no second chances both terrified and exhilarated her, but mostly the former) - not to mention that her knee didn't quite feel up to par after having tweaked it a week prior. At the end of the day, the team had nailed their performance and, though disappointed that they didn't secure a first-place victory, they were satisfied with placing third overall.

Looking back now, that situation was not as horrible as her brain made it seem, but in the moment, it was awful. 

This bout of anxiousness, though? She'd never experienced anything like this before. She was struggling to get a full breath in, as if her ribs were collapsing in on her lungs and the air was suddenly overwhelmingly heavy, filled with a great deal of water vapor. Waverly could feel her body start to panic and her breathing quickened almost to hyperventilation. She placed a hand on the back of the couch, attempting to steady herself and taking deep breaths in and out, in and out.

Why was she so nervous? She'd never been this nervous to talk to Nicole. Not even that time in Nedley's office when she first made her move, though she supposed the adrenaline rush helped. It's not like they'd never sat down and just talked before, although Waverly wished it happened more often than it did. 

"Get a grip, Waverly," she mumbled under her breath. "The note was the hardest part and you did that already."

But was it really the hardest part? Sure, asking for help was tough, especially for someone who had grown up to be fairly independent, but now she actually had to talk about it. Fuck. Was this a mistake? The feeling of overwhelming weight expanded into this sensation of claws trying to tear Waverly apart from the inside out. Maybe she should just curl into a ball and hide. Maybe it would all pass.

No. She already gave Nicole the note.

There was no backing out now. 

"Just breathe Waves. Just bre-"

"Waverly?"

Shit. Her thoughts were so loud she hadn't even heard the redhead's car pull into the driveway, nevermind the front door of the Homestead opening. Now or never. Now or never.

"In the living room," Waverly answered after a second of hesitation, voice sounding strained and forced. She could hear Nicole taking off her shoes and hanging up her holster, noting the soft approaching thuds of footsteps as the brunette slowly lowered herself onto the couch.

Hugging her knees into her chest, Waverly watched Nicole enter the room almost cautiously, eyes meeting her own almost immediately. 

"Hi." The brunette's voice was soft, vulnerable almost. 

"Hey," Nicole responded. Waverly could see the hesitation as Nicole chose her next words. "I-uh, I got your note. Did I do something wrong?"

"No, no," Waverly replied, releasing a little bit of tension from her shoulders. "I...my mind has been going crazy and I really need to talk to someone. You know, just sit down and talk and get everything out."

Nicole nodded along, though a visible confusion spread over her facial features. She took a couple of steps over to where Waverly sat, taking a seat next to her and wrapping her arms around the smaller girl, a gesture that instantly calmed a majority of the anxiety bubbled up inside of her.

"If you don't mind me asking, and don't take this the wrong way," Nicole spoke after a moment. "Why me?"

"Because I trust you," Waverly answered simply, laying her head on Nicole's supportive shoulder. "Because I feel like you are one of the only people who see me for who I am."

Nicole didn't reply, but Waverly felt the soft, lingering kiss pressed to the top of her head and knew that Nicole understood. She took a deep breath, trying to calm any nerves that remained as one of the redhead's hands found one of her own and held it gently.

"Jolene really fucked me up, Nicole," Waverly started, staring at the mantle. "Really bad. Like all my bad moments, but ten times worse. I don't know if you actually want to hear about any of those-"

"I'll listen to anything you want to tell me."

"Okay. You know about Wynonna's past and how she accidentally shot our dad...well Ward, not my actual dad, but I didn't know that at the time...you know what I mean. Anyway, I kept getting these flashbacks about Ward dying and Willa being taken while I was in class, so much that I had to be sent home to Aunt Gus on multiple occasions because Momma was gone. Then Wynonna was put into an institution, which you know about, and I was on my own with just my aunt and uncle."

Waverly paused to take a breath, shifting ever so slightly to look at Nicole, who met her gaze. "Let me know if it's getting to be too much."

"I'm not going anywhere Waves. Tell me anything you want to. I promise I will be here."

Waverly nodded before continuing. "For the longest time, I thought it was my fault that Momma left. That Willa constantly picked on me. That the revenants came and Ward and Willa were taken. That my flashbacks were the reason Wynonna was sent away. They all made fun of me, talking about Momma leaving and Wynonna being sent away and me seeing ghosts. So I turned to the only thing I could trust not to let me down, which was learning. I put every ounce of effort into being the perfect child for Aunt Gus and Uncle Curtis. I started cheerleading, hoping that it would help me find some purpose, which it sorta did. I dated Champ because he was the only person who would look at me like a normal human being, at least for a little while. But when I mentioned that I wasn't happy, he took it personally and started hooking up with other people. The only reason I kept him around for as long as I did was that I wanted some sort of normalcy in my life. Top of the class, cheer captain with a boyfriend, the whole package, you know?"

Nicole nodded.

"But I wasn't happy and I didn't know why. I couldn't stop having flashbacks, so I decided to put my affinity for research towards figuring out why Ward and Willa were taken. I spent years figuring out everything I could about the Earp Curse. I was convinced that if I figured everything out, I could find a way to get Peacemaker and end the curse, but then Wynonna came back, and everything I was doing felt useless."

"So you felt a little jealous that Wynonna was the heir?" Nicole offered quietly, rubbing Waverly's shoulder slowly. The motion was small, but the contact was comforting to Waverly as she leaned closer to Nicole. 

"Yeah," Waverly nodded, breaking that momentary silence that had fallen over them. "I was jealous, but I got over it after a while."

"How so?" Nicole asked. "Do you know?"

"I'm not really sure," Waverly frowned slightly, trying to remember. Honestly, she didn't know when she truly became comfortable as the girl riding shotgun instead of the girl in the driver's seat. It's not like she was afraid of the danger she would be in had she been the heir. In fact, she relished the adrenaline rush that filled her bloodstream whenever she would tag along with Wynonna to catch a revenant. "Maybe once I accepted the fact that she was destined to be heir, I guess it was easier to fall back into a supporting role? At least my work was being acknowledged, not to mention the fact that I wasn't truly an Earp either."

Waverly shook her head with a laugh of disbelief. It all made sense, thinking back on it. Why Willa was so awful to her. Why Ward neglected her. "God, it just seems like something stupid now."

"It's not stupid, Waves. That has every right to make you upset."

"Upset enough to allow a demon to attach itself to my soul?"

"Wait...what?" Nicole's assuring tone changed to one of pure confusion.

"Mictian," Waverly sighed, holding Nicole's hand in both of hers and playing with the redhead's fingers. "It was just a puddle by the gate where...where Wynonna shot Willa. But it was calling to me. Saying that it could take the pain away. Telling me it could make me feel happy again."

"Oh Waves," Nicole whispered, wiping a tear that had slipped down Waverly's cheek. "I wish I'd known. I wish I was there to help-"

"But you did help, Nicole. You showed me love, even with that...that monster in my soul. Even when I-I," Waverly's voice hitched in her throat as more tears began to spill from her eyes. "I hurt you, Nicole. God, I've hurt you so much."

"No," Nicole shook her head, cupping Waverly's face in her hands as she brought her forehead to touch her lover's. "That was Mictian. Not you."

Waverly's body shook with sobs even as she tried to stop herself from crying. "But-"

"No 'buts,'" Nicole replied simply. She tilted Waverly's chin up and kissed her lightly, lovingly, before pulling back again to look at Waverly eye-to-eye. Tears continued to stream down the brunette's face as she glanced up to meet Nicole's gaze. "You fought like hell, Waves. You fought like fucking hell to beat Mictian. It said that itself, that you were too strong for it. You beat Mictian, Waverly Earp. You did."

"Nicole, I-I," Waverly choked through sobs that were becoming more and more apparent. "I didn't beat Mictian. It beat me, and I knew it. I took it back from Wynonna because I thought I could handle it, but I couldn't. Nicole…" A pause. "Nicole, I tried to kill it, kill myself…"

Nicole's eyes widened as she hugged the sobbing girl to her chest. Waverly wrapped her arms tightly around Nicole, holding her as close as possible. The redhead ran her fingers through Waverly's hair softly, allowing her to just cry for as long as she needed.

"It...it kept talking to me, telling me what it was going to do to you, to Wynonna," Waverly mumbled after a few minutes. "I-I couldn't let it do that. I felt it taking over and I tried to stop it, to make it all end, but I was too late. I was driving down the road and I thought about how easily I could end it. Just floor the gas and cut the wheel and it would all be over and you'd all be safe from Mictian...from me."

"You're here now," Nicole whispered, holding Waverly protectively. "That's all that matters."

"And our fight, and then you almost dying...I was so scared," Waverly continued quietly, feeling the tears begin to well once again. "I don't know what I would've done without you. I don't know if I'd still be here if it weren't for you…"

"Waves…"

"And I thought I was getting better, I really did," Waverly insisted. "But Jolene took that away so quickly."

"Waves, what did she tell you?" Nicole asked, moving a hand to rub Waverly's back comfortingly.

"That I was given everything while she was given nothing. How everyone loved me while they hated her," Waverly recalled somberly, tears spilling over. "That no one loved me anymore. That I was useless. That…," she stalled for a second, taking a deep breath to keep from breaking down again. "That I had to be the one to do it."

"Oh Waverly..." Nicole replied softly. "Baby, you didn't consider it, did you?"

"I almost did it," Waverly answered, voice wavering. "I-I had the knife, I asked her to do it, but she couldn't."

She could feel Nicole's body tense up momentarily, recognizing the woman's guilt from that day. She knew now that Nicole was under Jolene's influence, that everyone was under Jolene's influence, but at the moment it seemed painfully real.

"And then, I saw you. I saw your smile. I saw your eyes. I saw you waiting for me at home," Waverly murmured, looking up at Nicole again and seeing the taller woman's eyes watering. "You, and Wynonna, and Doc, and Jeremy, and I knew I couldn't do it."

"I'm so happy you didn't," Nicole breathed, pressing a soft kiss to Waverly's forehead. "I'm so happy that you're here with me, that I get to hold you and kiss you and be yours."

"Me too," Waverly echoed, a small smile beginning to grow on her face as she kissed Nicole gently. "It feels so good to finally let that all out."

"I'm sure it does." A little smile began to appear on Nicole's face as well. "Thank you for trusting me with this."

"Something in my mind told me you'd understand," Waverly mused, curling up next to Nicole as they lay down on the couch.

"I do understand," Nicole admitted. "I've been there, with all the hopelessness and intrusive thoughts."

"Really?" Waverly asked, curious. She never would've guessed that Nicole had struggled like that. Nicole always seemed like the strong type who everyone liked. 

But so was I, Waverly reminded herself.

"Yeah, when I was younger. Between being traumatized by the massacre and practically disowned for a job choice that I've wanted since I was six, not to mention being an open lesbian in a school full of straights...that doesn't leave too much room for a healthy mental state. Though, I don't think as many of those people were as straight as they said…"

Waverly chuckled slightly at the last joke. "Well, I'm here if you ever want to talk to me about it."

"Maybe someday," Nicole nodded. "Maybe someday."

"Can I ask you a question?"

"Anything you want."

"Will it ever get easier?" Waverly questioned, Nicole's loving gaze intersecting with her own sad eyes. "Will I ever be fixed?"

Nicole took a deep breath. "I honestly don't know when, or if, it will ever get easier. But I know that you are the strongest person I've ever met and I will always be here when you need me. Call or text and I will be there if I'm not already."

The redhead paused, taking the moment to press a soft kiss to Waverly's lips and then to her forehead. "And you, Waverly Earp, do not need fixing. You are the most beautiful human being, inside and out. This may fade away after a while, or it may remain a part of you for the rest of your life, but no matter what, it does not define you. I love you, Waverly. All of you. All your feats and all your flaws. Everything."

Waverly could feel her chest warm and her heart flutter. "I love you too, Nicole. So much. Thank you."

"Always."

**Author's Note:**

> Just a reminder: You are loved. I love all of you ❤️. You deserve love. You deserve to be here. Now go and live like the badass you are!!
> 
> Much love ❤️❤️❤️


End file.
